Bridesmaids' Speech

Last year I was a bridesmaid for my good friend Becky. My two fellow bridesmaids and I all went to high school with Becky and we were all roommates with her at some point in our lives. We all love Becky, but we had some trouble with our bridesmaids' speech.

At first, we thought we weren't supposed to give a speech - that it was just the best man (the groom's brother - who did a really great job, by the way) so I gave a speech (after a few glasses of champagne) at the bachelorette party (which was on a four-day cruise to Mexico, which was really cool).

When we discovered we would have to come up with a funny but sweet speech that would not embarass the bride too much, we were stumped for a while. While we were mulling it over, I typed up this list and sent it out to the girls. Some of the ideas (ie: numbers 16-19, 25, and 27) are Becky-specific, but others might be useful for current and future bridesmaids. By the way, here is our dress.

50 Ways to Spice-up Our Bridesmaids' Speech

1. Puppet show

2. Interpretive dance

3. Multimedia presentation

4. Adam Sandler-esque song parody

5. Dramatic monologue

6. One word: impressions

7. Give speech in a foreign language (provide subtitles)

8. Do "on-the-street" type interviews with other wedding guests

9. Vaudville-esque comedy routine

10. Mime

11. Pre-record speech on video and hand out cards with the YouTube link

12. Perform a skit (ala fifth grade environmental camp)

13. Do the speech as a TV Game show

14. Give a serious speech while dressed in Star Wars costumes. Never mention Star Wars.

15. Two words: Bicycle shorts

16. Becky likes Opera. Learn and perform the "Voi, che sapete che cosa é amor" aria from Act II of The Marriage of Figaro (or any other aria, I'm open to suggestions)

17. Becky likes Jane Austen, I thought we could all... sit around discussing our lack of fortune? Do a country dance? Decorate bonnets?

18. Becky likes The Princess Bride, I thought we could... swordfight? Wrestle? Poison each other?

19. Becky likes teacups, I thought we could give a speech on the theme: "Marriage is a lot like a teacup"

20. The reception IS by the seaside... would a Esther Williams-esque synchronized swimming routine to the tune of "Going to the Chapel" be too over-the-top?

21. Three words: Toiletpaper wedding gowns (wait, is toilet paper two words?)

22. Scavenger hunt

23. Do the whole speech ala Bob Dylan's "Subterranean Homesick Blues" music video

24. Did I already say song parody?

25. Carve the speech onto the crust of a "toasted cheese" sandwich

26. Unicycles!!

27. Becky's favorite movie is Strictly Ballroom - we could do our speech in Australian accents and wear bolero jackets

28. Type up a beautiful speech, but don't read it! Just put it in a balloon and release it!! So poetic!!!

29. Bridesmaids speech in a bottle - throw it into the ocean for some Hawaiian bridesmaids to find!

30. Skywriting

31. Get the phone numbers of all of the guests in advance. Just text them the speech.

32. We could each write an ode to Becky in the form of one of the three different types of sonnet - I call dibs on Spencerian!

33. Bridesmaid Idol - We would each give a speech, then the guests would score us. The bridesmaid with the lowest score must leave the wedding. The winner gets to take back her gift!

34. Do the speech Conan O'Brien style, complete with monologue, state quarters, if-they-made-it pictures, and a dog puppet that says the cake is for him to "poop on"

35. Suck on helium before giving the speech. Awesome!!

36. Wear hillbilly teeth/vampire fangs

37. Make balloon animals to commemorate different events in Becky's life

38. Juggling

39. I'm pretty sure Heather said she could do fire-breathing

40. Spontaneously bursting into song like in a musical. (Only works if random old lady relative and/or janitor is involved)

41. "Freezing" (check youtube)

42. Buy a parrot. Teach it to give our speech for us.

43. Kids are cute. Puppies go over well, too.

44. Wedding cake eating contest

45. Four words: Diet coke and mentos

46. Photoshop and display pictures of Becky with her past boyfriends (Carrot Top, Andy Dick, Marilyn Manson...)

47. Display the "B&R 4-EVER" tattoos we got on our posteriors

48. Get out our high school yearbooks and read aloud the (fake or real) messages Becky wrote to us

49. Five words: Hire a professional speech writer

50. After the best man gives his speech, we all stand up and say, "Ditto."

All of this was BEFORE that dancing-down-the-aisles video showed up on YouTube...

I'm just saying.